


With Love - A Composition of Crack Ficlets for Rutobuka During the Holidays

by sinisterbug



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Domestic, Drabbles, F/F, F/M, Ficlets, First Kisses, Fluff, Fluffy Porn, Gen, Genderbending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, Porn, Porny fluff, Slow Burn, Smut, adorableness, bunnyshield au, established relationships - Freeform, exchange fic, fem!Bilbo, fem!Thorin, parent!shield, parentshield au, sappy husbands, tiny lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-06 17:28:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5425625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinisterbug/pseuds/sinisterbug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chapter 1: Fluff<br/>Chapter 2: Hurt Comfort<br/>Chapter 3: Adorableness<br/>Chapter 4: Parent!shield<br/>Chapter 5: Genderbending Both Of Them (Oh Gosh Tiny Lesbians <3)<br/>Chapter 6: Bunny!Shield Part 1<br/>Chapter 7: Slow Burn<br/>Chapter 8: Domestic (aka Dáin's chapter)<br/>Chapter 9: Bunny!Shield Part 2: Misunderstandings<br/>Chapter 10: Sappy Husbands<br/>Chapter 11: High School AU Part 1: Mutual Pining<br/>Chapter 12: First Kisses/Established Relationships (combined prompt)<br/>Chapter 13: Bunny!Shield Part 3: The Lead Up To Porn<br/>Chapter 14: Bilbo Being 100% a Master of Bag End<br/>Chapter 15: High School AU Part 2: Thorin Being Cute<br/>Chapter 16: Bunny!Shield Part 4: Porn<br/>Chapter 17: Bunny!Shield Part 5: Adorably Ever After (more porn)<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fluff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rutobuka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rutobuka/gifts).



> Basically I thought I would be a little shit and literally address everything on Rutobuka's want-list for the exchange, albeit in ficlet format. I did mash up a few of those prompts because it worked that way, but every other theme has it's own chapter. Other than the bunnyshield!au and high school au, these are all separate ficlets with no intended continuity between them.
> 
> I am adding a final smut chapter within the next 48 hours as bonus for Rutobuka because none of this quite turned out the way I wanted to, or in the proper time frame. :)
> 
> I hope the porn makes up for all the other shortcomings. ^^;; Do any of you understand how intimidating it was to land Rutobuka as your exchange recipient? Alas, Rutobuka deserves better, but I gave it my best shot. Happy Holidays Rutobuka and thank you for all your amazing contributions to the Bagginshield fandom! We are so lucky to have you. :) Though intimidating, it was an incredible honor and pleasure.
> 
> The bunnyshield au was explained to me by silentunicornspeaks. I wrote the story, but she's the one that intro'd me to the idea.

“What is it?”

“What does it look like?” Bilbo answered. “It’s fluff.”

“What is… fluff?” Thorin frowned, observing the large piles of it strewn across the bedroom of their chambers. Noticing the Bilbo had resumed his activities with the needle and thread, he asked, “Are… _were_ those our pillows?”

Bilbo sighed. “I’m slightly allergic to feathers, and besides that, goose down just never felt right to me-”

“Have you been uncomfortable this whole time and not told me?”

Bilbo shot him a scowl and scoffed, “I wish you’d been this keen on the road to worry about such petty comforts as this.”

Thorin sighed and took a seat on the plush rug next to his consort, picking up a pinch of the white stuff and rubbing into between his fingers. “I had not the luxury of an entire guild to weave my consort new blankets and pillows at my disposal when we were on the road. Now I do, and I find my husband waiting up for me until well past midnight stuffing… _fluff_ into our pillows to make them more suitable.”

“Is that such a terrible scenario? Here, I’ve finished this one. Hand me that - yes, thank you. Try it out,” Bilbo nodded at the freshly stuffed and re-sewn pillow he’d just handed Thorin.

Thorin placed the pillow snug against Bilbo’s hip, and ignored the snort that escaped the hobbit at his royal husband’s antics. The king laid himself down, his head on the pillow, trying to squirm into Bilbo’s lap as much as possible without disrupting his work.

 _Fluff indeed_ , he thought, and quickly he was asleep.


	2. Hurt/Comfort

Bilbo had been alarmed when Thorin had suddenly turned pale, blinking rapidly before groaning and sinking to the floor of his smial. The once-king had proceeded to retch, and Bilbo consoled him with the thought that it was much better to lose the contents of one’s stomach on the floor as opposed to in a bed all over the sheets and blanket.

Bilbo’s fears of a migraine were confirmed when Thorin started describing the aura that had hit him just before the pain. He said it was too bright to open his eyes, and Bilbo’s voice too loud. The hobbit shooed the reluctant dwarf into a chair while he cleaned up the mess, telling Thorin to please stop apologizing and it would just take a tic, and then Bilbo would help him to bed.

His father had been prone to these types of headaches, so he knew what his husband would need. Shouldering as much of Thorin’s weight as he could manage, he lead him through the smial to the bedroom and laid him out on the bed. As quietly as he could manage, he closed the bedroom window and the curtains to block out the light and noise. A cool, fresh breeze would probably have done much to aid in soothing the discomfort, but it was midday and the chatter and noise from the outdoors was too loud. He gathered a damp wash cloth to apply to Thorin’s forehead, who hissed at the contact but managed to slur a thank you.

Bilbo scooted in on the bed beside him gently, draping a light sheet over him and offered, as softly as he could, “Sometimes it helps to rub your scalp. Do you want me to try?” The pain was so bad that Thorin had to signal with his hand to try. He couldn’t even shake his head or speak, and tears were beginning to leak at the corner of his closed eyes.

Starting at his temples and working back in small, gentle circles, Bilbo caressed Thorin’s scalp tenderly, softening or stopping his touch all together if Thorin whimpered. Bilbo did this until he was very sure Thorin had fallen asleep. Hopefully he would stay that way through the worst of it.

In the meantime, the hobbit made sure to change his plans for dinner. He’d been planning on a heavy meal but… His father usually couldn’t handle strong smells and rich food during or directly after a migraine. He’d need to run over to Hamfast’s for as much peppermint leaf as he could spare and start brewing; peppermint was a great solution to headaches, and the smell hopefully wouldn’t turn the dwarf’s stomach.

Thorin slept undisturbed well into the evening. When he did wake, he was disoriented and his head still a little tender, though no longer aching, and he couldn’t handle more than a few candles being lit.

Bilbo insisted on serving him a light soup in the arm chair in the sitting room, wanting him to be as comfortable as possible.

“You are a wonder, Bilbo Baggins,” Thorin said in a gravely voice as they finished off their meal with tea. It was the first time he’d been able to say more than a few words since he woke up. “Oin has never been able to bring me out of a migraine that fast.”

Bilbo looked up, startled. “So you _have_ had them before?”

Thorin nodded. “They started after Smaug. In a bad year, I would have them once a month. I do not recall ever going a full year without at least one. At their worst, they would last a few days. Oin tried many remedies over the years, but in the end, the best we could manage was a draught to put me out through the worst of it. I was usually sick from the draught for a day or so after that.”

Bilbo grimaced. “How many have you had since we met? I don’t recall you having them on the road…”

“I was having them constantly once we entered the mountain, but they were not as intense as this one. I had one in the goblin tunnels-”

“Oh Thorin…” Bilbo couldn’t even imagine. They’d all been pretty banged up and bruised by that point, and it had been hard enough to function under those conditions. That Thorin managed to fight his way through and stay on his feet through a migraine was… well, not something that really surprised him about his husband. Stubborn, strong dwarf that he was.

“Thank you, Amrâlimê.”

Bilbo just crooked his head and offered a sympathetic smile. “I’ll always do whatever I can for you, silly dwarf.”

And he wouldn’t tell him just yet, but he’d already sent a letter to Elrond inquiring about migraine remedies and healing techniques while his husband had slept.


	3. Adorableness

“Don’t go in there.”

Thorin raised an eyebrow at his old friend, his steps coming to a halt. Dwalin stood guarding the entrance to his consort’s chambers.

The King waited for Dwalin to provide some explanation, but nothing followed. Thorin took another step forward and Dwalin said again, “I’m tellin’ you, Thorin-” 

“Telling me what? Why?” the king snapped.

“You told me to tell you, the next time he… you know. Did that thing. And I know Balin wants ye back.” Dwalin shrugged and grimaced.

Thorin paused, his mind going over the growing list of things that could be. Deciding he didn’t have the patience required for interaction with anyone other than his _ghivashel_ , he brushed past Dwalin and entered Bilbo’s chambers.

He met no one, nor any unusual sight, throughout the premises. He was about to return to the door and ask Dwalin how much he’d had to drink, when he took a perfunctory glance in the bed chambers.

Bilbo never slept in there, though he would often wile away his unoccupied evenings in the suite if Thorin was obliged to attend other duties. These rooms also had direct access to the gardens.

To be fair, Dwalin _had_ tried to warn him.

“Thorin?” came the sleep muffled sound of his consort’s voice.

Thorin tip toed into the room and put a finger to his lips, hurrying to the bedside, endeavoring to make as little noise as possible now the he realized the room had multiple occupants.

“Shh, nevermind. Don’t let me disturb you.” 

Bilbo crooked a smile up at him, blinking and breathing deeply as Thorin pulled the furs up to better cover his consort and the small fauntling tucked in his arms. “Stay…?”

Running his hand gently through black curls and then blond before backing out of the room, Thorin stopped at the door and tried to wipe the wide smile from his face before he had to face his friend again.

He was glad to see both of them get some sleep. The journey had been hard on Frodo, and harder on Bilbo. The proceeding months had not been as smooth a transition as anyone would have liked. They were getting there.

He opened the door with a sigh and Dwalin gave him a knowing look.

“Balin is gonna strangle you if you don’t get back to that meeting.”

“Do a better job warning me next time,” Thorin shot back with no real heat. The king flicked the door shut behind him, enjoying the indignant look on Dwalin’s face.

Back in Bilbo’s bedroom, Thorin adjusted the hearth and extinguished some lamps. Removing his boots, he curled around the two hobbits as best he could, resting his neck uncomfortably on his arm, while his legs dangled off the edge of the bed. He was balanced precariously on his side, and even exhaling too fully would tip his balance too far in one direction, and he’d have to strain his legs or push himself off the head board with his fingers to correct himself.

Eventually, he managed to drift off into sleep and the last thing he saw before he slipped off were the curls atop their sleeping heads.


	4. Parent!Shield

Bilbo’s jaw hurt from clenching it so much.

This did _not_ make any sense.

Thorin had only smirked, _knowingly_ , which had only managed to infuriate his husband to no end. Frodo had never had a bad conference, not since right after his parents passed, years ago. His grades hadn’t changed recently. His attitude, however was a different story. He was fourteen, and Thorin had told his husband nonchalantly to, “Give the kid some space.”

But not reporting in with his cell, showing up after curfew, not being where he said he was going to be… and now a bad conference about his poor attitude in class. They needed an intervention. Something was obviously very wrong, and-

“Am I good cop or bad cop this time?”

Bilbo tightened his grip on the wheel and rolled his eyes. “You know what? How about I just talk to him by myself, since you seem to have all this figured out, but don’t feel the need to clue me in on anything.”

“I never said- I just think I have an idea. Fili and Kili both had stages-”

“Oh right. Right. Of course. You’ve done this all before. You’re an expert-”

“Do not turn this into an argument between us. I know you’re upset and worried about Frodo, as am I-”

“Obviously not when you’re treating this like some big inside joke from your Perfect Dads club!”

By the time they made it home, Bilbo was fuming and Thorin was employing the silent treatment as a last resort self defense tactic. His husband was in a state where nothing Thorin could say would appease him.

As per usual when perturbed, Bilbo went and took it out on his pantry. Frodo would come home from basketball practice with a multi-course meal worthy of a king waiting for him.

Thorin grabbed a tablet and went to the living room to sulk and ended up looking at pictures of his family. He was less concerned about Frodo at this point, and more angry at himself for doing such a poor job of being a good husband. This should be a piece of cake for the both of them, _especially_ since Thorin had helped raise Fili and Kili from the time they were tots. Instead, he’d been a dick and managed to put his foot in his mouth from the first time Bilbo had mentioned he was concerned several weeks ago.

He owed Vili a punch in the face in the afterlife. He would hug him first, but Vili was the one who should have had to suffer through the indignity of raising two boys through puberty, not him. It had been as alarming and awkward for him and Dis as parents, as it had been for Fili and Kili as kids the first time around, and there had been alarming overnight changes in what was basic nature to them the day before. He was chuckling loudly over a good memory by the time Bilbo interrupted his thoughts.

“What’s so funny?”

Thorin smiled at his husband, who was still scowling. Bilbo had a bit of perspiration on his brow from leaning over the stove and his cheeks were a little pink.

“I was just remembering the time I told Dis I was worried Fili might be on drugs.”

Bilbo raised a brow and snorted.

“He was 11 and a half, I believe.” Bilbo’s other brow raised and he stepped into the living room to settle himself on the end of the couch.

“What prompted your concern?”

“He called me an asshole.”

Bilbo’s whole body jerked with the snorting laughter that erupted from him.

“I know,” Thorin groaned and shook his head. “I’d been the center of his universe for a couple of years at that point, and he’d only ever taken my correction with, you know, absolute obedience and deference.”

Bilbo chuckled knowingly. Frodo had been much the same up until this point, other than the very difficult year after he’d first came to them.

“Anyway, one day he’d been hounding me all damn day about taking him to the store to get this… I think it was probably a video game… Anyway he was thirty bucks short for it and Dis had been on me at the time about spending money on him. Bilbo, he whined, and whined, and _whined_ all day until I had a fucking headache from hell…”

“You snapped?” Bilbo grimaced sympathetically, knowing the private hell raising children could sometimes be.

“Beautifully. I was in school then and it was probably the sixteenth time he’d interrupted my psych study session. I dropped every curse word I could think of and it all ended with him calling me an asshole. I was crushed.”

Bilbo’s smile and nodded knowingly.

Thorin sighed. “My theory is that Frodo has a crush that isn’t working out. There’s that dance next week, and I’ve been noticing that little Greenleaf girl-”

“Legolas is a boy, but go on,” Bilbo said and waved his hand.

“Ah. Anyway, Frodo _is_ going through puberty and Fili and Kili did _not_ appreciate my overt interference in any of those matters. At least in their case, any guidance from me happened inexplicably in moments they gave me. We tried the sit-down thing and... I’m sorry I didn’t just say all this. I know I shouldn’t presume that just because that’s how it was for Fi and Ki, that that’s how it will be for Frodo. I’m sorry I’ve been an ass.” Thorin thought that covered his most recent bout with behaving poorly. 

Bilbo sighed and rolled his eyes. “I guess I noticed the back and forth on Facebook with Legolas. I think this must involve Sam somehow because they’ve been having a rocky couple of weeks it seems.”

Thorin nodded. 

Bilbo shot him one last disapproving frown before it melted into a smirk that indicated forgiveness. A very sexy smirk, if Thorin could say so himself. Which he could, and tried to do as he crawled down the couch toward Bilbo, but he was stopped by one socked foot and a wag of Bilbo’s finger. “You aren’t getting away with just an apology. You’ll have to find a way to make it up to me for letting me worry unnecessarily about our precious son.”

Thorin had started to explain just what he would do to accomplish that when they heard Frodo burst through the door. They settled for a soft and familiar, if not brief, meeting of the lips before Thorin asked again, “So, am I good cop or bad cop?”

Bilbo rolled his eyes again and patted his husband’s bearded cheek. “Let’s just go sit down and have dinner and ask him if he’s thought of inviting Sam _and_ Legolas to the dance together.”


	5. Genderbending Both of Them (Oh Gosh Tiny Lesbians <3)

Gandalf bent almost in half, peering down through his bushy eyebrows to better see the results of Nori bumping into Gandalf’s staff mid-spell. Standing there together on top of a tree trunk as smoke cleared, no bigger than a dwarf’s thumb each, were Bilbo and Thorin.

The company gathered around to get a better look. They could see the two tiny women, and they could likewise hear a fair amount of squeaking, but they couldn’t make anything of it. Their vocal chords must be too small, they concluded.

On the tree trunk, Thorin panted to catch her breath, exhausted from trying to scream at the company of giants surrounding them. She had sworn to tie Gandalf’s beard to a warg’s nutsack if he didn’t fix this now, but it was obvious their cries fell on deaf ears.

Bilbo, though put out, seemed a bit more resigned to simply waiting for the big folks to come up with a solution. 

“I am no wizard. I’m not likely to burgle my way out of this,” she said, and simply went to the edge of the tree trunk to spy a way down.

“Where are you going anyway?” Thorin huffed, realizing the now less-than-half-ling was seriously attempting to make an ascent from the trunk. “It is too dangerous, you will get lost in the grass-”

It was no use, and Thorin had to scramble after the curly headed she-hobbit as she saw the brights curls disappear over the side.

“We might as well set up camp here,” Balin remarked. “We should make a stone perimeter for them, so they don’t wander beyond safety.”

Everyone agreed, and got to work.

Thorin caught Bilbo from stumbling as the ground started to shake around them. The whole company had started to move at once, and Thorin pulled Bilbo protectively to her. Surely those fools would watch where they stepped? Now she just needed to keep Bilbo from going anywhere out of sight, where she might be lost. She could feel Bilbo squirm against her and begin to put up a protest at being handled, when suddenly they were enveloped in a blasting stench of hot breath and booming voices.

Fili and Kili had dropped to the ground next to Bilbo and their aunt to tell them not to wander where the company could lose sight of them, and that they were creating a wall they should not pass so they would not get lost. Thorin waved her hands to shoo them off - the force of their voices nearly knocked Bilbo and Thorin both off their feet. The swish of Gandalf’s robe as he strode across the camp nearly sent them flying, and no amount of hollering on Thorin’s part could get the company to soften their steps and pay attention to where they were going.

Out of breath and thoroughly irritated, it was Bilbo’s turn to grab Thorin’s hand and pull her over to a crop of grass with a large (or, rather, probably quite small) rock.

“There,” she sighed in relief, brushing at her skirt and taking a seat primly on one of the rocks. “Come sit down then. I don’t suppose you realize what this means.”

Thorin raised a dark eyebrow at the hobbit and acquiesced, choosing the rock just a few spaces from Bilbo.

“That I shall have to have my throne refitted if the dratted wizard does not repair this damage?”

Bilbo’s eyes grew wide and suddenly she let out a laugh merrier than Thorin thought possible to produce in the circumstances. The hobbit used the edge of her skirt to dab at the corner of her eyes as the laughing subsided.

“Of course that is what you would say. It’s so obvious, I should have thought of it myself.”

“And I’ll wager you were going to say that you are glad to have been made small, since now you may eat your fill as often as you want without dwindling our rations,” Thorin snapped, though her voice held more humor than usual.

Bilbo clutched the ends of her torn and stained skirt and smiled a wide smile. “You are beginning to think like a hobbit, madam dwarf.”

Ori peered down to check on Thorin. She was squeaking quite loudly now, and had thrown herself on the ground, and was pounding her fist into the dirt. If he didn’t know Queen Thorin II Oakenshield a bit better, the scribe would have thought she was laughing.

Should he tell Gandalf…?


	6. Bunny!shield Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I understand it, there is the idea that since foxes are more likely to burrow in a hole/tunnel ala hobbit-smial-style. Likewise, bunnies could be placed in a mountain setting given their communal warrens, thus making bunnies more likely to be dwarves. And this is called bunny!shield? I was chatting with silentunicornspeaks and I mentioned I would be doing the wolf/bunny au and then she told me about this. I was too curious not to just go this route. :D 
> 
> Some terms: 
> 
> reynard = male fox   
> buck =male rabbit   
> herd = a community of rabbits 
> 
> Warning: I did unacceptably scant research on the body language of rabbits and foxes.

Bilbo’s brow was furrowed, and his sharp brown eyes were locked insistently on the dwarf buck before him.

His hands on his hips, the reynard hobbit sniffed a couple times, his bushy red tail swishing, and nose twitching. He shot a wary glance at Gandalf.

“Bilbo, allow me to introduce the leader of our herd; Thorin Oakenshield. Thorin, this is Bilbo Baggins.”

Thorin Oakenshield was an unimpressed, glowering face under a long mane of fine black hair streaked with silver; his tall ears were erect, but not indicating enough interest in the fox before him to bother with pleasantries.

“So,” the dwarf’s own nose twitched now, “this is the hobbit.”

* * *

Bilbo had taken exception to being considered incompetent - how dare they imply he couldn’t burgle a simple stone out from under the nose of a dragon? - and found himself with his foot right in it not long after. It was a good thing, too, as this herd would be desperately lost without him. If it had been left up to Thorin Oakenshield, they’d all still be hopping around in circles in Bagshot Row.

As for Thorin Oakenshield himself, Bilbo was not impressed; he was certainly struck by the king and his commanding appearance and strong commitment to his family, but not so impressed with his attitude and sense of direction. A patriarch of his years and experience should be ashamed of himself for acting like a juvenile buck and charging a pack of orcs atop wargs all alone just because he was taunted. Bilbo had told him as much atop the carrock, when the fool had had the audacity to lecture Bilbo - a _natural predator_ \- for attacking without regard to his own well being.

After a decent quarrel (with both having come out somewhat chastised by each other), and now on equal footing in each other’s eyes, Thorin’s attitude (and the attitude of company) began to change toward Bilbo, though not drastically. Instead of being treated with suspicion and fear because of the primal imbalance between predator and prey, his presence was accepted (if not yet welcomed in the warm bunny pile of bedrolls at night). There were a lot fewer instances of dwarves turning their backs on him, and Bifur even allowed Bilbo to groom his lovely lop ears one evening by the fire.

The hobbit shivered that night as he curled up around his tail for warmth. He observed the different family piles - the Ri brother’s both tucked comfortably into their eldest brother’s bulk, the Ur family all slept sitting up, propped up by each other’s backs, and looking quite cozy against Bombur indeed. Oin and Gloin slept facing each other, while Balin and Dwalin made two large lumps side by side. Then, of course, were Fili and Kili who, each night, would flop down limply next to their uncle, one on each side.

Bilbo would bond with one of these prickly bunnies if it took him all the way to Erebor to do it. He wasn’t going to sleep alone for the rest of the quest if he could help it.

 

To be continued….


	7. Slow Burn

Bilbo and Thorin whipped their heads to look at Fili and Kili, both so much more than merely ‘on edge’, and appearing as though a slightly breeze would send them flying.

The brothers had set this up after they’d finally found Bilbo, knowing it would do no good to trust Gandalf to handle these matters. They’d arranged for them to arrive at Bofur’s coffee shop at the same time. Bofur had promised to wait until they’d sorted it out before he let everyone come storming out for the long awaited reunion no one had been sure was going to happen.

“Stop it. Stop right there, the both of you.”

“What are you on about Fili?” Thorin snapped.

Fili had decided to intervene when the first twenty or so words between them _weren’t_ “I love you” and “where’s the nearest hotel?”. His uncle was scared, and panicking, and not at all prepared to face Bilbo, who Fili was pretty sure had convinced himself Thorin didn’t exist in this life.

Kili was the one to step in, despite his brother preparing to give his uncle a what-for. “We’re not going to watch the two of you do this _again_. It wasn’t fun the first time around and a second go would just be boring. It’s been, what… thousands? Thousands of years?” He looked at Fili for confirmation.

“Definitely thousands,” Fili confirmed.

Kili looked back at Bilbo and Thorin. “We all like a good slow burn, but this was getting ridiculous back when Uncle gave you the mithril shirt and you _still_ didn’t realize he was asking you to marry him. If you two are going to try and dance around each other all over again-”

“You were asking me to marry you?” Bilbo choked out.

Thorin looked floored. “That shirt was the most valuable thing in the mountain besides you, but I was also in the middle of a supernaturally-induced psychotic breakdown, and didn’t realize you didn’t understand the implication of such a gift,” he said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.

Bilbo opened his mouth for what the boys were sure was a curt response, but then he pursed his lips and crossed his arms over his chest. He looked at the boys and shot them as fierce a glare as he could manage, then he looked back at Thorin and threw his hands up in the air.

“They’re right, gods save us. I’m not doing this another thousand years.” Bilbo took three long strides across the shop and balled his fists in Thorin’s t-shirt and yanked him down for a spectacular kiss that Thorin met first with a squawk and flailing arms, then with a lot of nose, and then finally with lips. A groan might have come after, but Fili and Kili wouldn’t know because they very quickly went to the back of the shop and told everyone to file out the emergency exit and give those two some privacy.


	8. Domestic

If Dáin didn’t wipe that shitty smirk off his face, his older cousin was going to do it for him.

He’d managed to hide Bilbo from the majority of his family for the better part of seven months. It would have been longer, but he hadn’t accounted for the interest on Bilbo’s end (though he should have, was Bilbo's response). He’d met Fili and Kili after a month, and they got along famously.

Finally, the look of absolute rejection in Bilbo's eyes when he realized Thorin was reluctant to bring him around the rest got his lover to break his resolve. Two very heated arguments and one three hour apology later, Thorin promised to introduce Bilbo to the rest of his family, little by little. He swore he would have everyone stateside accounted for by Christmas.

He’d put Dáin off until last.

Christmas was the perfect time for Bilbo to meet Dáin if he absolutely had to - plenty of other people around to distract Bilbo from speaking with his younger cousin too much.

“Bet you thought I was going to harass him all night,” Dáin said as he threw an arm around Thorin, joining him with a beer in hand next to the Christmas tree to watch Fili and Kili try and guess the contents of the wrapped gifts.

“I thought you’d try. If you attempt to leave with my date this time, there will be physical recourse.”

Dáin chuckled and squeezed Thorin in a side hug. Then he pulled back and gave Thorin an appraising look.

“Cousin, you should think a little better of me than that. If they left with me, it was because I’d decided they didn’t deserve to go home with you. As it is, I have excellent judgement because here you are, all these years later, with the right one. Because of me,” he finished.

Thorin blinked, torn between believing the earnest look on his cousin's face, and wondering _how_  Dáin could believe that of himself. He couldn’t tell if Dáin was being serious or not.

His ginger-headed cousin waved his hand dismissively. “Even if I hadn’t heard half the things I’ve heard from these two snots and your sister over this past year, I’d know just by looking at your domestic, soppy, sorry-ass face. You’re done for cuz, and there is no way I’m gettin’ anywhere near _that,_ ” he nodded his head, indicating Thorin's boyfriend across the room.

Dáin looked at Thorin with a mixture of pity and disgust; a grimace poorly disguised as a smile. Then he cleared his throat, straightened his jacket, and nodded. “Right. Don’t introduce me to him yet - this domestic thing might be contagious. And we don’t want him falling in love with me despite my best efforts. I’ll see you at Easter if there isn’t a wedding or a funeral before that. Hopefully a wedding. Try to avoid the funeral. And, you know... don’t cock it up.”


	9. Bunny!shield Part 2: Misunderstandings

Beorn’s gardens were beautiful, and helped rejuvenate Bilbo’s spirit in a way that he had not realized he needed. He frolicked in the sunshine with the large dogs and slept in the fields as butterflies fluttered about his nose.

They were safe here, they had plenty of food, and there were all manner of frogs and field mice to chase and play with. Bilbo was gentle, of course. He realized that every creature on Beorn’s lands was given the shape changer’s protection, no matter how small, and the hobbit was no Little Bunny Foo Foo, besides. He’d even managed to get Ori to run with him a little, but it had been stopped short when an anxious Dori could be heard thumping his foot insistently on Beorn’s front porch, his ears pulled way back.

Bilbo hadn’t understood what any of that body language meant (other than the passing thought that ears-back was usually a good indication of “back off” for any species), but Ori had let out a squeak and run back to Dori, who promptly sat on him. Literally. Then groomed him meticulously.

Dwarves were strange indeed, Bilbo thought. He’d tried to entice Bofur into a game of play wrestling; rolling around on the ground in front of him and bowing into the usual position with his rump in the air, wiggling his tail. Bofur had only smiled nervously and excused himself.

For all their talk of accepting Bilbo now, they’d shown it through their actions precious little, and the perceived rejection stung the hobbit. Foxes were solitary creatures, yes, but he’d rather hoped he’d proven himself by now. As nice a pillow as his tail made, it hardly provided the same warmth as a dwarf.

It was their third day of rest in the home of the skinchanger and Bilbo had resigned himself to being distracted by the company of Gandalf, Beorn, and his animals. Boring as this got after a while, it was at least better than getting strange looks from the herd. He was engrossed in a game of hide and seek with a sassy little rodent when he heard Thorin approach. His particular scent was easy to recognize (a sharp pine smell and musky sandalwood, and whatever it was that made him uniquely _him_ ), and dwarves made a lot of noise when they walked besides.

His ears perked up out of his sandy blond curls and he stood at attention, tail swishing behind him. The rabbit-king had the usual scowl on his face, but his ears were very much pointed forward. That was a bit different from normal, Bilbo thought.

“Master Baggins, it has come to my attention that you have been propositioning various members of the company. This is not acceptable behavior and I will not have you distracting my company with your wanton advances.”

Bilbo’s head cocked to the side and he opened his mouth to speak, managing only a cut off choke at first. Finally, he said, “I beg your ever loving pardon?”

“I should think so,” Thorin responded, his voice thick with disapproval. “If you choose to offer courtship to any of these respectable dwarves after Erebor has been retaken, you... will hear no reproach from me-”

Bilbo shook his head and cut Thorin off from his very important speech to snap, “Have you lost your mind? I have not propositioned _anyone_ for anything! Ever! Well, not _ever_ , I have a pulse after all.”

Thorin raised an eyebrow at that, and his ears perked up considerably. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Thorin seemed to gather his wits and he asked, “So what does it mean when you yip and roll on your back and raise your rear and wiggle your lovely tail enticingly? You are telling me this is not courtship behavior among hobbits?”

“Lovel- entice-… What?” Bilbo blinked. “I have been inviting them to _play_. I thought to bond with some of them in order to be invited to share warmth at night, you silly dwarf! Infuriating snobs, the lot of you!”

Thorin looked entirely startled. He stared at Bilbo for another moment before his ears suddenly drooped and he cast his gaze downward. Bilbo mirroed him and lowered his own ears and tail.

“I see. Master Baggins, I… must beg your forgiveness. My swift and poor judgement of you has left you an outcast amongst my company even when I owe you a life debt. And our poor attempts to interpret your behavior has caused me to accuse you wrongly. If you will forgive me, I would be honored if you would share my side for warmth whenever you have need of it.”

Bilbo’s ears shot right back up, his tail returning to life. “Well… Thank you, Master Oak-”

“Thorin. Please.”

“Thorin. I thank you very much for your offer…” Bilbo trailed off as he remembered something. “What did you mean, _enticingly_? Did you... did you say my tail was lovely?”

To be continued…


	10. Sappy Husbands

“Alright, who told you?” Bilbo demanded as he walked in the door of the cake shop.

Thorin whirled around, shocked to see his husband there. If he was trying to get a peek of the cake without Bilbo knowing, he’d chosen a very bad time. Bilbo was here to pick it up.

“What are you doing here?” Thorin demanded gruffly, though he sidled up to his husband nonetheless, his hands sliding around his lovely waist to pull him close so Thorin could take advantage of his height to bury his nose in those irresistible curls.

“That’s what I want to know. Who told you? Were you really trying to look at it before the party?” Bilbo groused, pulling back and looking up at his husband, a bit surprised that Thorin would be petulant and interested enough to go to such lengths just to see their tenth anniversary cake.

“I don’t need to look at it, I know what it looks like. I’m here to pick it up-”

“Yes but who _told_ you? Who spilled the beans? This was supposed to be a surprise-”

Just then two employees came from the back of the shop carrying a box large box about three feet tall and just as wide. The strain on the employees’ faces told Bilbo the cake was obviously quite heavy.

“Hello, Mr. Baggins! We’ll have your cake out in just a mo’.”

" _Your_ cake?” Bilbo’s intolerably handsome and increasingly bewildered husband demanded.

“Yes, my cake. What is _that_?” Bilbo pointed to the box they were setting on the table for Thorin.

“That," Thorin growled, "is the tenth anniversary cake I had custom made as a surprise for you and ordered six months ago.”

Bilbo looked up at Thorin and crossed his arms. He informed him flatly, “Mine was ordered back in February. The surprise tenth anniversary custom cake I had made for you, that is.” 

Thorin knew that scrunched look on Bilbo's face meant he wasn’t impressed, but it was also incredibly adorable and he could not stop the grin that split across his face, nor could he keep himself from leaning down to land a peck on those pursed lips despite the situation. The frown never left his brow, but Bilbo swayed in Thorin’s arms and eventually his grin mirrored his husband’s.

“Utter fools, the both of us. Can I see it, then?”

The taller man rolled his eyes and nodded. “Might as well.”

He took a few moments to carefully remove the tape from the box and grip the cake board firmly enough to slide it out. Bilbo gasped when he saw the cake in its entirety.

Yes, it’s covered in fondant,” Thorin explained apologetcially, “but when we’re ready to cut it, it’ll peel right off. There are eight different cake flavors and four different fillings. What do you think?”

Bilbo wanted to cry. It was stupid, but he did. He certainly wasn’t going to, but he was very touched.

Bombur was the owner and baker of the shop, but Bifur was the studio manager. He did all the fondant sculpting, the hand painting, the airbrushing - everything that makes the cake actually look pretty. Bilbo had never seen a finer piece yet than this. It wasn’t an entirely unique concept - a pile of antique books with a fondant tea cup on top - but it was all of Bilbo’s favorite books that he and Thorin had read together over and over again throughout the years, as well as his own published novel, _There and Back Again_ , all made up to look like ancient tomes, piled topsy turvy on one another. There were small details, too - little fondant acorns that had been brushed with gold dust, the round, green door of his childhood home, even a little figure of his cat, Smaug.

“I know it isn’t really an… _us_ cake, and Dis fought me tooth and nail on that because it’s our anniversary celebration but… I’m in love with you, everything about you, and I appreciate everything about you and I just... wanted... to celebrate that,” he finished awkwardly.

Bilbo could feel the heat in his cheeks as he admired the cake, knowing that it was absolutely ridiculous that after twelve years together total (ten of which they have been happily married) he could still feel too shy to make eye contact with his husband.

“It’s beautiful, Thorin,” Bilbo assured him, his voice a little unsteady all of the sudden. 

Just then the owner of the shop himself came through the back with a large cart and a cake that was too wide, and too many tiers high, to reasonable fit in any box. Thorin didn’t think Bilbo could even fit that in the SUV. His jaw dropped despite himself and Bilbo broke from Thorin’s embrace to get a closer look. He and Bombur spent a few moments ooh-ing and aah-ing as Bombur filled him in on the details of how best to transport it.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Thorin’s irritated voice broke through the momentary jubilation of seeing the cake. “You knew we both placed orders, Bombur. Both of these cakes cost well over-”

“Now, now, now-” Bilbo admonished before he could say anything further, “you can’t blame Bombur for taking every job he gets, and how was he supposed to tell us without breaking confidentiality to one or the other? Honestly, it’s fine.”

And though he tried, Thorin couldn’t argue that; not after seeing the redness in Bilbo’s eyes and hearing the little sniffle. Never mind that Thorin’s cake alone would feed at least 150 people, and Bilbo’s looked about twice that (only 60 had RSVP’d for the celebration). Thorin threw a look at Bombur that promised some type of retribution which would probably be in the form of sending the baker home with all the extra cake.

Bombur just chuckled in response. Then Thorin joined his husband’s side so he could admire the scaled down replica of Mt. Erebor.


	11. Mutual Pining

“Prim, I can’t just- I mean... I can. And it would be the bravest thing I’ve ever done. But why risk it? The probability of Thorin Durin, 5 foot 7, piercing blue eyes and already growing in a decent stubble, being anymore more than aware of my existence _if I’m lucky_ -”

“Oh stop it he said hi to you in the hallway yesterday-”

“After I accidentally bumped into him and interrupted his conversation with his sister-”

“Who he then tried to introduce you to before you awkwardly ran off!!!”

“Well I don’t have a crush on him because he’s a jerk! He’s a nice guy! Even if I did ask him out, it’s not like I expect him to push me on the ground and call me a fag. He’d probably be nice about it. That doesn’t mean I want to experience the rejection even if it’s delivered politely!” 

Primula looked at her cousin across the lunch table. His riot of curls always gave him a perpetually surprised look about him. Or perhaps it was the fact that he genuinely seemed surprised at every instance of social interaction that didn’t involve Primula. Bilbo wasn’t an introvert or shy, but he had a small comfort zone and a rather low opinion of himself thanks to Lobelia and a few others in her circle. Sometimes living in a small town and being related to most of its population had its serious downsides.

“You would be my hero forever if you did it, you know. It might just inspire me to talk to Drogo.”

Bilbo snorted. “You currently ARE my hero just for being you. Now stop pressuring me."

* * *

Dis snorted and tossed her legs over Vili’s lap. She threw another french fry at her miserable looking brother. “You’re an idiot.” 

Thorin just brushed the french fry off his lap and grunted. 

Vili began signing and Dis translated, though she laughed first. “Vili says he swears he saw your balls in the locker room the other day. Where did they go?” 

Thorin glared at Vili and said, “If you like admiring my balls so much, I’ll get you a picture.” He managed to remember the signs for “like”, “balls”, and “picture”. 

Vili laughed and he signed back rapidly. Dis squawked in laughter. “Camera phones don’t have a big enough zoom function for that.” 

Thorin laughed despite himself and flipped his friend off. 

“Oh god Thorin stop  _pining_ . He’s obviously terrified of you, but so what? Get over it. You won’t know if he’s into you unless you make the first move. You’re big and scary looking and let’s say Bilbo did like you. Why is a little squirt like that going to admit his homosexual feelings for a big football player that could squash him into jelly?”   


Vili started signing again. Thorin always paid attention, but Vili was so fast, and Thorin was a poor student.   


Dis said haltingly as she waited for Vili to sign, “If you approach him and get turned down, you’ll win either way. First, even if Bilbo were somehow homophobic, there’s not much chance he’s going to get the jump on you if he wanted to. Second, even if he’s not an asshole and still turns you down... “ Dis waited several seconds for Vili to finish the thought, “...you can be a human interest story for Ori. The school newspaper will do a piece about “local high school hero comes out and is surprisingly sensitive and single”.” 

Thorin snorted and Dis launched another fry at him.


	12. First Kiss/Established Relationship

Thorin paused in his task of peeling the apple to peer at Frodo. Sitting across the table from him, his hobbit-son continued to gobble down biscuits as though he had not just asked a very… probing question.

Resuming, he cleared his throat and answered as honestly as he could. “My first kiss was with a dam from Erebor before the dragon came. As for what it was like, I would say that it was not very good.”

That got Frodo’s attention. The boy's first attempt at asking for clarification was muffled by the copious amount of biscuit he was still trying to choke down. Thorin handed him a glass of water and patted him on the back.

“Why not?” Frodo finally managed.

Thorin wondered what the chances were that his husband was nearby and eavesdropping.

“I was very young and nervous, and I did not particularly wish to kiss her. Only, then I was a prince, and sometimes I did things in order to make other people happy because that was a part of my duty.”

“What do you mean? Did she ask you to kiss her?”

Thorin snorted. Done with peeling the apple, he cored it and cut it into several slices, which he shared with the young hobbit.

“She did not, though I knew that she wanted to kiss me, and she did not resist me, and I had her consent. I daresay she was quite happy about it at the time. I thought it would distinguish me amongst my peers. I cared little for what she felt for me, and I cared even less for how I felt about it. As first kisses go, it was not one to put down in a book.”

Frodo nodded slowly, his gaze slipping back to his plate of biscuits as he contemplated Thorin’s story.

“Not all first kisses are thus," Thorin added reassuringly. "Fortunately for me, the most singular kiss of my life was worth the long wait, and other, less-than-satisfactory kisses in between.”

Frodo smiled, then wrinkled his nose in that way that he did whenever he walked in on Thorin and Bilbo being romantic. Thorin smirked and gathered up the plates from the table, taking them to the sink to wash.


	13. Bilbo Being 100% A Master of Bag End

Thorin took a deep breath and considered himself and the scene before him for a moment. There he sat, in Bilbo’s infamous arm chair, by the hearth in Bag End. Several of his soldiers were dutifully obeying his consort’s firm commands to bring certain furniture to certain rooms, put this there, that goes over there, someone please ask Lobelia to surrender the silver before they search her for it _bodily_ , etc.

From the very moment they had crossed the borders of the Shire, Bilbo had taken full command of his troops (albeit, a bit unknowingly if Thorin had to guess). And rightfully so - existing in the Shire required a different set of sensibilities than the ones Thorin possessed. This he had no qualms about admitting. He wanted this to go as smoothly for his _ghivashel_ , and since Bilbo insisted on no bloodshed, Thorin knew to defer to Bilbo’s better judgement in these matters.

His soldiers wouldn’t dare display any disrespect to his One, and none seem inclined to. In fact, Thorin was very sure that even had Bilbo not been his One and had not agreed to accept his hand in marriage and rule with him as Consort, the hobbit would have no problems directing an army even then. His lover’s confidence and self assurance had increased ten fold since they left Bree, and it was already pretty high to start with. One did not walk across Middle Earth with a head held low after you had burgled from and riddled with a dragon, helped restore a kingdom, and fought in the Battle of the Five Armies. Not to mention all his numerous acts of bravery and cleverness on the road.

So, Thorin sat quietly, enjoying a the few minutes of respite before he had to see about housing his men and their ponies for the several weeks they would be here. Bilbo had just rebuffed another attempt by a soldier to investigate the pantry, when Thorin noticed his pulse picking up. The hearth was not lit, and it was still mild spring day, yet he felt warm.

It was then he realized his pants felt just a tad too snug in the crotch area.

Thorin’s expression was quizzical as he did a quick rundown, wondering what had put him in this state. Not that it was really important to question it - he and Bilbo were in love, and even the chastest of thoughts could get him worked up about his _azyungal_ , but he usually noticed it was happening and why.

Bilbo gave a firm shout of, “Stop immediately! Not a step further! Look at the state of your boots. Turn right back around and tell every ga-lomping dwarf out there to remove their boots before they come back in. Is that understood?”

 _This_ poor dwarf made the unfortunate mistake of deferring to Thorin first with an inquiring look. The King would have immediately issued a rebuke for questioning his Consort, but he didn’t need to.

“I will have you know that _I_ remain the Master of Bag End, soldier. That has not changed nor is it likely to. Now remove your boots, if you please.”

Bilbo was met with immediate obedience, and the hobbit nodded his head in satisfaction.

Thorin took a deep breathe through his nose and exhaled as he felt his member swell further. He shifted in his seat and looked at his husband.

“ _Ghivashel_ ,” he rumbled, and Bilbo looked away from the open door to meet his husband’s gaze. “Give me a command.”

Bilbo cocked his head to the side and gave Thorin a confused look. “Have a rest, Thorin. We have plenty-” 

“Please,” Thorin said, his voice thick and there was a hint of a plea there. Bilbo narrowed his eyes for a moment, assessing. When he grinned next, Thorin thought it was a rather hungry expression.

“Follow me to the master bedroom, soldier.”

Thorin was on his feet immediately.


	14. Bunny!shield Part 3: The Lead Up To Porn

Bilbo was rather certain he’d managed to misinterpret something this time. They’d been searching for the hidden door - hiking at the base of the mountain trying to see what they could from the ground before attempting to climb. Everything changed when Bilbo suddenly noticed Thorin flicking his long, black ears at him.

The fox had listened intently in the evenings to Balin (or sometimes Thorin himself), while Dori, or another member of the herd, groomed Bilbo’s tail and ears. This was done with no small amount of tutting about the state of his coat during the ritual grooming. As the journey went on, Bilbo learned more of the different aspects dwarrow traditions, and Balin's guidance had also proved key in educating Bilbo on their unspoken body language. Each race possessed its own version, but the hobbit had rarely encountered anyone outside of his own kind before this adventure.

In that moment (as _he_ understood it), Thorin was inviting him to play, and if Bilbo were being honest, he relished the idea of a break and this rare opportunity with the king. The fox and the bunny had grown closer, perhaps even fond of each other (there was no ‘perhaps’ for Bilbo, he was undeniably _affected_ by the buck). Though he’d been too shy to accept the invitation at the time, Bilbo had been welcomed into the king’s grooming circle with his nephews - always grooming, these dwarves! Obsessed with their hair and ears the same way Bilbo was with his tail and feet! - and to sleep together with them for warmth. He played frequently with the younger dwarves and occasionally with some of the older bucks, once they realized Bilbo wasn’t trying to mate. They’d all fought back to back and risked their necks for each other many times now, and the hobbit had been informed more than once that they considered him a part of the herd.

He hadn’t exactly expected an invitation to play from their stoic leader; however, if it meant a chance to tackle that gorgeous dwarf and his ridiculously endearing ears to the ground and let off some steam, Bilbo wasn’t going to question it.

They raced almost frantically over the rocky terrain, Thorin jumping from rock to rock while Bilbo tried to remain a blur in the bunny's peripheral . Finally, with his lungs struggling to take in breath, Bilbo admitted defeat and turned to face Thorin, throwing up his hands in submission and laughing all the while. The buck grinned at him unreservedly, the smile making the corner of his eyes crinkle. Bilbo’s laughter petered out as he noticed Thorin was still advancing on him, though quite slowly now. The hobbit’s breath was already having enough trouble coming properly, and now it felt like his heart was caught in his throat.

“Thorin…?” Bilbo asked, still panting and grinning. He took a stumbling step back but found he couldn’t put any distance between them for the large, warm arm that had shot out and snaked itself around his waist. Thorin’s large hand sat warm and heavy on the small of Bilbo’s back.

“Tell me, Master Buglar,” Thorin’s voice was also a bit breathy from the exertion, “do hobbits chase each other as a part of their courtship dance?”

Bilbo blinked several times, caught between the feel of Thorin’s hand on his back, sitting just above his tail (how could something so simple feel so _good_?), how solid and warm Thorin’s forearm felt under Bilbo’s grip, and how it would just take an inch or two more to close the space between the lovely body in front of him and himself-

“Y-yes. As a matter of fact, we do,” he managed to say rather evenly, if he thought so himself. “Though it’s less a matter of outrunning your intended,” Bilbo’s tail swished, “and more a matter of your intended allowing the chosen suitor to catch them.”

Thorin’s grin became a brilliant smile and Bilbo swallowed hard.

* * *

Bilbo would have had him right there, at the bottom of the mountain, behind a bit of brush, if only his keen eyes hadn’t spotted the odd protrusion above, and his fool mouth hadn’t run before he could stop himself.

That was the spot they had been looking for - the secret entrance. The fox wondered what would be different now if he’d just gone with his instinct and pulled Thorin down to the dirt with him then. He looked at the pale, broken body lying on the cot in front of him and had to choke down the sob that threatened to overtake his own battered form.

There was hope, and Bilbo had to be the one to carry it no matter that he had little strength left. There was no one else to tarry by the bedsides of his foolish, brave bunnies.

He could hardly bear to look at Fili and Kili, but he forced himself to, out of respect for them and sheer desire to remind himself that they were alive, for all that they were unmoving.

* * *

Three Months Later

Bilbo was running - well, it was more of an urgent, brisk walk-skipping, as there were other dwarrow to dodge and still quite a bit of construction debris between the infirmary and the royal chambers. The point was, Bilbo was being pursued rather more exuberantly than what was appropriate for anywhere _other_ than the royal chambers, and he’d felt it judicious to move their persons to somewhere a bit more private.

There was that; a reasonable excuse for rolling off the end of the cot he’d been sitting on with a wiggle of his rear and a flourish of his fluffy red tail as Thorin’s examination was completed.

He knew exactly what Thorin had asked the old healer in Khuzdul when the king had gotten that very un-bunny-like grin on his face. He was just as interested in what Thorin was interested in as Thorin was.

But.

Bilbo might also have wanted to make the buck chase him just one more time.

He was mindful as he scrambled through the mountain to repeatedly look over his shoulder to make sure Thorin was following, and not causing too much of a scene as he did it, nor injuring himself. He was a king, after all, and it would hardly do to be seen -

Well, that was why Bilbo was high-tailing it to Thorin’s chambers.


	15. High School AU Part 2: Thorin Being Cute

Bilbo had been wrong about Thorin, and he’d told Primula as much one evening over the phone a few days after their first date. “He’s- he’s- Primula, I had no idea he was so cute! He always looks so angry and majestic-”

Primula snorted.

“Shut up, everyone calls him that. But actually that’s the thing though - it’s not true! I can’t even describe the way he was looking at me, Prim. Like a puppy that had just gotten adopted, I think? He acted like he was so grateful I was even there, and he opened every door and pulled out every chair, and Prim, get this; _he offered me his arm_. Like, multiple times.”

“Did you take it?”

“Of course! What am I? An idiot? But who does that these days? I didn’t know what I was going to do if he’d brought me flowers. The book was a nice touch, but I didn’t think people gave gifts on their first date.”

The silence on the other end of the line was unmistakable the sound of Primula smiling smugly.

“Shut up.”

“So Thorin is cute and apparently a complete sop for you and your date went perfectly,” she summarized.

"And he despises Lobelia," Bilbo added. After a pause, he added, "Actually that was sort of the one weird part of the evening."

"What?"

Bilbo gave a nervous chuckle. "Well, it was more... he was being protective, I think, and he sort of... gave me a lecture that sounded a lot like mum and dad about how Lobelia is one of those rare exceptions in the world - someone who's ugly inside and out, and that it's not fair to me or anyone else that I let her get to me the way I do. I was just shocked that he'd even noticed any of that, and I was trying to think of something to say, and wasn't sure how I felt about being lectured by a peer. He must've thought I was mad or something - I was more embarrassed really, for needing a PBS special on our first date, really. But anyway, he backpedaled so hard I almost got whiplash. He started apologizing for putting his nose in my business and... well, I assured him that I appreciated his feelings on it."

"Aaaaaw," Prim squealed on the other line. "Good grief he IS cute.You guys are going to make me sick. Sounds like he just feels strongly about people treating you like crap, but yeah, hopefully that lecturing thing isn't a habit. So did you kiss?"

Bilbo squawked indignantly on his end of the line and refused to answer the question.


	16. Bunny!Shield Part 4 - Porn

Despite obtaining Oin's clearance, Bilbo insisted that Thorin take it easy. The excited bunny had hip-checked himself turning a corner after Bilbo, and the fox could tell it had irritated the deeper wound on that side that was still stubbornly healing.

"I... am not complaining," Thorin grit out, "but know I will... have you before we find rest this night."

Bilbo's brow was already knitted together, but he managed to purse his lips in a frown that was just... lovely.

"What are you talking about?" Bilbo asked breathlessly, the questioning not accusatory, but genuinely curious, as if Bilbo had just registered the king was talking. He was finding it was quite difficult to pay attention when he was sliding up and down on the largest cock he'd ever had the privilege of having buried deep inside him. "A-aren't you doing just that?"

Thorin slid his hands up the sides of Bilbo's round belly, trying not to obey the urge to grip his generous hips and slam the fox down while thrusting up. He let one hand descend to Bilbo's leaking member instead, stroking a pretty whine from the hobbit, while his other hand traveled to tease a pert nipple.

His hips stuttered as he felt Bilbo clench tightly around him.

"Aah I want you to take me- ah-" Thorin couldn't manage anymore.

Bilbo leaned forward, changing the angle entirely, and rested his hands gently on Thorin's chest.

Panting, he nipped and licked at Thorin's beard and lips, not quite giving the king the full kiss he was seeking. He worked his hips faster and jerked as one thrust, and then another, hit his prostate right on. His hands slid from Thorin's hairy chest to his neck, and then up to tangle in his gorgeous mane and absently stroke his long, soft ears.

Thorin gave in and grabbed Bilbo's hips, ensuring that he kept hitting that spot. The king groaned and felt his cock swell impossibly harder as he watched Bilbo's eyelashes flutter and his eyes roll into the back of his head. That fluffy red tail was shuddering and shivering and waving behind the hobbit all the while.

Bilbo's eyes were cloudy with lust when he looked at Thorin imploringly. The bunny leaned up to cover Bilbo's mouth with his own and moved one hand back to Bilbo's cock, taking just one, two strokes before the fox yelped and clamped down, spilling his seed in spurts between them. 

Thorin swallowed Bilbo's groan and grunted at the feel of that tight heat clenched even tighter around him. Fire bled through his veins and stars exploded behind his eyes, and he spilled himself inside his lover with a shout, curling around the fox and holding on tight.

 

To Be Continued...


	17. Bunny!shield Part 5: Adorably Ever After (more porn)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning, day, and night after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd, all errors belong to me entirely.
> 
> As promised. Hopefully a good way to round it all out! Thanks to Rutobuka for her patience. Hope you like!

Bilbo awoke with a stretch and a deep sigh, and he flinched out of instinct when he came into contact with the body next to him. Orange ears already perked, he opened his eyes with a start and was met with the irritated gaze of Thorin Oakenshield.

Bilbo grinned because he knew better; his ears were forward facing, though one had flopped down rather adorably.

“Good morning, Master I-Will-Have-You-Before-We- oomph!” Thorin rolled on top of Bilbo rather indelicately and captured both his hands, weaving their fingers together and bringing them up over the hobbit’s head. He grinned as he placed gentle kisses methodically on Bilbo’s brow and nose.

“Cheeky thing,” he muttered, his voice still thick with the vestiges of sleep. “Had you not insisted on three rounds of bouncing on my cock-”

“Well, it is rather lovely, Thorin,” the fox interrupted, his tail squirming out from underneath him to swish lazily against the sheets. “It’s not everyday that I get to-”

“But it will be,” Thorin interrupted, suddenly serious. “Everyday, if you wish. I would have you by my side, Bilbo Baggins, if you consented. My heart is not lightly given, and can only be given once. You are my One, and I swear you will not find another who would love you better-”

“Now, now,” Bilbo smiled and wriggled his arms free, carding his hands through Thorin’s beard and bumping noses, “I didn’t mean anything by that and you know it. And if you didn’t know it, now you do. I shall stay if you wish to have me, or we shall go if you wish to join me. Whichever it is, I’m afraid you have me for life now.”

Emotions - insecurity, hope, blossoming joy - passed over Thorin’s visage like a wave, and he settled on a joyful smile that seemed to reach out through his eyes, overwhelming Bilbo with its tender sincerity.

The fox didn’t know what to say, really, so he settled for some levity. “Well, my king, the sun is up and oddly enough, Balin has not broken down your door by now. How much more time do I have to burgle before they usher you off to rule your mountain?”

“Our mountain,” Thorin corrected gently, that silly smile only getting wider. “And I think you’ll find we have most of the-”

As if Mahal himself had decided on the comedic timing, the bunny king’s declaration was interrupted by a forceful knock to the door of the inner chamber, following by someone clearing their throat rather pointedly.

“Who goes there?” Thorin’s authoritative tone was reasserting itself too early for Bilbo’s taste.

“Ah, Your Majesty, I’m afraid there’s a situation-” came Balin's reluctant voice, and the rest was unintelligible, as Thorin sighed loudly and rolled himself off Bilbo and then off the bed. Naked as the day he was born, the king sauntered to his door to open it, and Bilbo gasped at the view he was treated to.

At first, Thorin thought Bilbo must be protesting about his own modesty being compromised in front of Balin, but as he opened the door and glanced back at his lover, he realized the hobbit’s gaze was planted firmly on his ass.

“I-I… I’ve never seen it! I wasn’t sure if you… Well I know we all bathed together on the quest but I went out of my way for privacy and I never got a good look... and last night I was mostly on top of you...I never really got a good look at any of your…”

Balin cleared his throat again and Thorin realized he’d only opened the door a few inches before Bilbo had distracted him.Opening the door the rest of the way and ushering his most trusted advisor in, with no thought to his own nudity, obviously, Thorin cocked his head in curiosity at his now future-consort.

“I assure you, _ghivashel_ , we all have rear ends, same as hobbits.”

“Good morning, Balin,” Bilbo said, ignoring Thorin’s flack.

Balin just smiled. “Am I to understand that Master Baggins was under the impression that dwarves differ from hobbits in the, er, bottom half?”

Thorin grinned at his advisor’s cheek and chuckled.

“No!” Bilbo assured him. “I only meant, well, I realize we’ve all got the same bums, I’m not dim. I meant your _tails_. They’re so small and... fluffy. I’ve never seen them, since you kept them tucked under your trousers… Oh, but it’s lovely! And handsome. Very kingly, your tail,” Bilbo insisted with a flick of his own. “I do wish I’d had a chance to take a closer look last night.”

Balin’s eyebrows went to his forehead and Bilbo gasped again, his tail wrapping self consciously around his waist. “I didn’t mean- Well, I suppose I sort of did- Oh, bother you, Balin!” he groused. “Take him and give me some privacy! When can I expect to have my bunny returned to me?”

Thorin’s mirth only increased at the odd conversation, and he merely stood there, beaming at the sleep-mussed bundle of fox on his- _their_ bed.

The white-haired dwarf gave another respectful bow of his head and said, “You may have him for lunch, and his duties should conclude around… oh, I suppose it would be supper time by Shire reckoning.”

Bilbo sniffed, displeased, but obviously not interested in arguing about it. And, because he couldn’t stop himself, he added, “Very well. I expect His Majesty to be prepared to have his tail thoroughly inspected when he returns for supper.”

To his credit, Balin’s jaw didn’t drop _all_ the way open, but he did gape a little, and he laughed himself out of the chambers.

Bilbo looked at Thorin and gave him a saucy wink, just to see the king blush harder than he already was.

* * *

If they’d been hoping for intimacy during lunch, they were both properly disappointed when Balin went out of his way to lure them both to the communal dining room. The feeling could not remain, however; not when the whole company had surprised them with a lunch to celebrate their long-anticipated mating.

Purses were exchanged loudly, food was thrown (of course), and the dwarves laughed uproariously when Balin recounted that morning’s exchange over bums and tails. Balin had to grab Nori by the scruff and pull him in the other direction when the thief sidled up to Bilbo and offered to show him his own fluffy tuft - partly to save his life if Thorin had happened to hear, but mostly out of possessiveness over the star-haired buck.

Bilbo knew he was never going to see a moment’s peace again.

He found he did not mind in the slightest.

* * *

“Well?” Thorin rumbled, his long ears pulled slightly back, betraying his insecurity. He wriggled his hips slightly.

“Well what?” Bilbo replied, a bit distracted again and enjoying his inspection very much.

“My tail. Is it what you thought it would be?” Bilbo snorted. He was straddling Thorin’s powerful, tattooed thighs (another pleasant surprise from the night before),and he leaned over, placing a lingering kiss to the small of Thorin’s bare back. Then he nosed his way down to the bundle of soft - oh, so soft - white fur and nuzzled it, sighing contentedly as he enjoyed the contrast of downy fluff and warm skin.

“That and more, you silly dwarf,” he replied, taking his inspection lower. Thorin’s breath hitched as Bilbo placed another kiss just underneath the little, white tail, and the bunny shifted his hips again, lifting them just slightly and spreading his thighs just a little further underneath the hobbit.The fox took the obvious encouragement.

Slowly - so that Thorin could feel him breathing hotly against his cheeks as he did - the hobbit ran his tongue gently down the seam, cherishing the loud sigh that came from the king as he slid the warm, wet appendage down. As before, Bilbo didn’t have to encourage Thorin to shift at all; the dwarf brought his hips up enthusiastically to give the fox more access.

“Bilbo…” Thorin moaned, and Bilbo pulled back, looking up to see the dwarf looking back at him with a look in his eyes that would have been very familiar to the hobbit if he’d only seen some of the expressions he’d made himself the night before.

Bilbo was momentarily stunned, not for the first time that night, at the vision that was the king spread beneath him. Thorin had wedged his forearms beneath his torso to support himself, while his bearded cheek rested against the sheets. His long ears were back, lying strained upon a fan of black tendrils streaked with silver. He’d lifted his hips enough that his stiff, thick member hung heavy between his marked thighs, and Bilbo drank in the sight of him. The bunny tried to gain more purchase with his knees by shifting again, effectively wriggling his ass and tail right under Bilbo’s nose, much to the fox’s delight. 

With a heavy sigh of pleasure and anticipation, Bilbo descended once more, sliding his hands up the back of the king’s thighs and gripping the firm flesh of his ass. Thorin seemed to appreciate this, if the sound he made was any indication. Then, Bilbo licked a hot strip from Thorin’s perineum to his puckered entrance, where the hobbit swept his tongue repeatedly, petting the little ring over and over again while the king quivered beneath him and tried not to choke on his moans.

Bilbo was having to hold Thorin’s hips in place rather firmly, for all the insistent pressure the bunny was applying in an effort to get _more_. 

He looked up momentarily, licking his lips before asking with a voice much raspier than he expected, “Can… can you relax? Let me in?”

Thorin responded by spreading his legs further apart and growling something into the pillow that might have been “please”, but Bilbo couldn’t be bothered to care as he returned to the engaging task at hand. He pressed the tip of his tongue to Thorin’s entrance, pushing in slowly, rolling his tongue as he went deeper. Then he pulled back, spreading Thorin’s cheeks again to observe his work and watch the pink hole dilate, then went back again to repeat the process.

After just a turn or two at this, and Thorin’s chest was heaving from the effort to draw breath. His arms, no longer tucked underneath his chest, were drawn above him, clawing at the sheets and headboard as he tried to smother his cries in the mattress.

The fox was a creature of leisure, and he would have been quite content to go at this all day, bringing the bunny to his completion over and over again with just his tongue alone, but he had a feeling he wouldn’t go without some recourse for putting his lover off his intention once more. Withdrawing his tongue and patting the dwarf sympathetically on the hip at the noise of disappointment that garnered, he sat back and pulled Thorin’s hips up just a bit more, settling his knees between Thorin’s and spreading them open again. 

The king was pushing the vial of oil insistently into Bilbo’s hand before the hobbit had to ask, and the fox popped the cap open with one hand and drizzled a generous amount of its contents into the other.

Bilbo’s grin was positively lecherous when Thorin squirmed beneath him again, his fluffy white tail perking invitingly and shivering in turn.

One slicked finger went in easily after the bunny had been worked into pliancy by Bilbo’s tongue, and Thorin quickly growled, “Another,” and the hobbit complied. Thorin grunted just slightly as the fox added the second digit, so Bilbo pumped in more slowly, twisting and curling his fingers to stroke the king’s velvety inner walls. As he added a third, Bilbo leaned forward enough to allow his free hand to snake between Thorin’s thighs and he gripped and stroked the bunny’s leaking, neglected cock.

Thorin growled into the sheets and he clenched around Bilbo’s fingers. He drew himself up momentarily to look back at the hobbit and demand, “Your cock, _now_ -” before he dropped his head back to the mattress and lifted his hips again expectantly.

“Bossy… thing…” Bilbo panted, though he’d been doing nothing too strenuous. He was simply that eager. Despite the king’s command, he did not withdraw his fingers until he found that lovely bundle of nerves he'd been looking for a moment later.

Bilbo yelped louder than Thorin when Thorin’s right leg shot out wildly behind him and the bunny positively _melted_ with a loud groan underneath him.

“Are you going to do that every-”

“If you delay any longer I will aim next time, I swear to you Bilbo Baggins-” he threatened, then lifted his hips again, glaring back at Bilbo with glazed eyes, his ears still pulled far back.

The hobbit did not dally this time, removing his fingers and slicking his own cock with the remnants before he gripped Thorin’s hip with one hand and lined himself up with the other. Thorin swayed back and Bilbo pressed forward very slowly, and he watched with great satisfaction as his cock disappeared into that sinfully tight heat. He was still not going fast enough for the dwarf, who continued to press back, finally reaching back impatiently for Bilbo’s thigh, urging him forward until Bilbo’s cock was buried to the hilt.

The fox had to still, even closing his eyes to the long, muscled lines of Thorin’s back so that he would not come just at the sight of their joining. Of course the bunny was not patient long, and Bilbo opened his eyes again as he felt the wicked creature clenching his channel tightly around his shaft.

He kept one hand on Thorin’s hip and the other lightly grasping that adorable, white fluff-of-a-tail. Then he pulled back just slightly, sliding back into that tightness almost leisurely. He stilled again, now starting to worry he was definitely going to come before it was proper to do so.

“Bilbo for Mahal’s sake fuck me _now_ -”

_Well_ , the hobbit thought, he would just eat the bunny out again if he came before his partner. Or perhaps he’d swallow that lovely cock, as that was also something he'd had yet to take pleasure in with Thorin.

The fox drew himself out to the tip. Briefly abandoning the bunny’s tail to bring his thumb down to rub a bit at the oil-slicked, red rim that was seemingly trying to pull Bilbo’s cock back in, he snapped his hips forward. The smack of his hips meeting Thorin’s rear echoed in the chambers and was followed immediately by more, as Bilbo took up a less-than-sensual pace, finally fucking Thorin in earnest.

Then Bilbo slipped his soft, red tail under and between his own legs, and Thorin shivered as his straining cock was suddenly surrounded by deliciously soft fur. The fox continued to plunge his shaft into that heat repeatedly, and let himself be bathed in the sounds of their coupling, both moaning and grunting and sighing as Bilbo leaned over Thorin’s back and began placing worshipful kisses down his spine. Thorin shuddered beneath him and his back bowed out as his lover found brushed that spot with the head of his cock.

“Theretherethere fuck there,” he gasped, “Bilbo fuck there yes YES-”

Bilbo was leaving marks with his nails, he was sure, as he frantically thrust his hips to aim at just that spot making Thorin cry out that way. By Eru, he’d heard the dwarf make some unexpected noises last night but _this_ was too much to bear and he thanked Yavana inwardly as he felt Thorin clench tightly around him and heard him holler as he spent his release on the sheets below him.

Then Bilbo was seeing Gandalf’s fireworks explode behind his eyes.

He gasped several times as his balls tightened and his loins strained and his orgasm washed over him, milking him of his pleasure and seed together.

He continued to thrust until he became too sensitive, and Thorin exhaled shakily as Bilbo gently pulled out, and he let himself collapse onto the bed. Bilbo sat back so he wouldn’t smother his bunny, and he noticed a little of his seed had leaked out already. The sight sent a shiver through the fox.

He was about to procure a damp wash cloth when he was yanked unceremoniously back onto the bed and was promptly rolled underneath Thorin.

“Hmm,” Bilbo sighed, not protesting the fact that Thorin had just managed to smear his seed between them when there hadn’t been a _real_ reason for Bilbo to get covered in it, but he enjoyed the warm weight of his lover nonetheless. “I have noticed you all like to sit on each other at certain times. Another bunny thing I don’t understand?”

Thorin smirked at him, looking quite smug if Bilbo did say so himself. “It is an assurance to both of us that you are safe, and I have you.”

Bilbo smiled, squirming his tail (which, he realized would need a good scrubbing, much like the rest of him) out from underneath him to swish lazily next to them once more. They nuzzled each other’s noses and for a while, they lay there while Bilbo stroked Thorin’s long ears and Thorin dozed in the crook of Bilbo’s neck.

They lived adorably ever after.


End file.
